Recognizing What Battles To Fight…

Not every battle is worth fighting. Many of the challenges that come our way are smiply distractions trying to lure us from our destiny. When we have opportunities to get upset, maybe somebody is talking about us or a competitor at work is spreading rumours or our spouse says something that they shouldn’t have, we ought to stop & ask ourselves, “If I engage in this battle & spend my time & energy trying to straighten somebody out, defending myself, arguing with a family member, trying to prove that I’m right, even if I win this battle, what’s the prize going to be? What’s this fight going to accomplish?”

You see, there are a lot of battles that come across our lives each day but they simply aren’t worth the fight. The end result is strife & disharmony.

Proverbs 20:3 says, “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honour.” If you want to honour God & enjoy your life, decide to be a peacemaker. Be the knid of person that will avoid an unnecessary fight.

If you’ll be disciplined to fight the battles that do matter & take the focus off those that are less important, not only will your relationships be better & your home full of peace but God will bless you because where there’s peace & unity, God commands a blessing.

Father: A Title or a Position?

In the US, over 70% of the African American children are born to unwed mothers. Of this population, 50% of the males do not graduate from high school. This has been connected to the lack of male role model (dads) for this young males.

Eventually, so many of these males end up in jail, and thousands are killed in gangs and shootings. Those who make it through high school are not motivated to go to college and they end up working in fast food restaurants for the rest of their lives.

Although this cast is in America, it is also encroaching  in our African society. There is a lesson we can pick from this scenario. As fathers we mean a lot to our sons and daughters. They need us at home to provide their needs and motivate them in all aspects. Beside a having a title of a “father” we need to face all the responsibilities that comes with that position.

Fathers (current & future) what is your opinion?

Self-Control, Patience, Humility…

One of my strongest beliefs is that the three most important qualities a young man / woman of my generation should cultivate / possess are:

• Self-Control: Your demons can & will destroy your life if you don’t keep them in check…
• Patience: You’ll have to realize your dreams will take time to achieve…
• Humility: Starting from the bottom requires an extraordinary amount of this virtue which is the most important of all…

If You Must Have A Sparewheel…

Why Wait to Have Sex in Marriage? A man’s perspective…

Some wait for sex… Why? There’s a saying that goes, “The best plan is to profit by the folly of others…” That’s what this article is about. I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned — the hard way — concerning girls & relationships. Specifically, I’ve jotted down eight reasons why I’m now waiting until marriage to have sex…

1) I now know that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

During my sexpades in high school & a bit in campus, I remember having an experience that I referred to as a “love hangover.” After being with a girl, the next morning I always felt an emptiness. I was so empty & almost suicidal. Media told me sex was the in thing & that i would get fulfillment. WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!!! That’s something you won’t see on TV or in the movies, but it happens a lot. There was emptiness, even regret, afterwards.

The “love hangover” was a strange occurrence for me. Mainly because sex was my “god.” As a male, it’s what I thought about morning, noon & night. So you would imagine that having sex would have been completely fulfilling — the crowning achievement in the worship of my “god.” And yet, there was always a lack of fulfillment afterwards.

Has that been your experience, too? Have you ever had a “love hangover”? If you have, you should stop and consider, “Why is that? Why is it that sex, if it’s so important to me, leaves me with an empty feeling?”

I remember being confused by this emptiness. I then concluded: “I just need more, that’s all.” (We often think this way about stuff we hope will fulfill us, then doesn’t, e.g. we get the car we’ve always wanted but then it’s just “okay” after awhile. Instead of realizing that a car can’t really satisfy us, we usually make the error of thinking, “Well, I guess that wasn’t the right car. A different one will give me lasting fulfillment.”)

But the emptiness continued. So, finally, I came to the conclusion that premarital sex wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It gets too much hype. It’s not what the movies make it out to be. If it were, it would be completely fulfilling. There wouldn’t be any “emptiness.”

2) I now want to be more honorable toward women…

I’ve found that girls often don’t fully understand what’s going on when it comes to sex, i.e. their perspective on the whole thing is very different from a guy’s. Often a girl will justify sex by saying, “But I love him,” even if she doesn’t really want to go through with it. Why does that happen? It’s been said that, “Girls use sex to get love, guys use love to get sex.”

This is how it works: the girl is picturing marrying the guy some day; the guy is picturing everything he wants to do with the girl before he goes back to tell his buddies about it & while something inside her is telling her it’s the right thing to do, something inside the guy is telling him just the opposite, yet he proceeds. Why? For the physical pleasure no doubt, but also, I think, for another reason: it makes him feel like a man. But there is a great irony in that, for what is manly about deceiving a woman?

Something I’ve discovered is that, when you honor a woman, you are honoring yourself. Why? Because someday you will have regret & the regret will last much longer than the pleasure. In the movie Rob Roy, the main character says, “Honor is a gift a man gives himself.” When you honor a woman by doing what you know to be right in your heart (i.e. what’s in her best interest), you honor yourself & insure that you will have no long-lasting regrets to live with.

3) That’s somebody else’s wife…

Here’s what I mean: most of the girls I’ve been with are now married to other men. When I put myself in the shoes of those men, I wish that I hadn’t done what I’ve done. In fact, I might even like to punch myself in the nose for it.

And so it goes without saying that when I get married, I’m not going to like the idea that someone else has had his way with my wife. What about you? Do you like the idea of someone else being with your wife? If you have a girlfriend now & feel that way, think of how much stronger that feeling will be with your wife someday.

You can even take it a step further. That girl is someone’s daughter. What if she were my daughter? Or what if she were my sister? Would I want some guy like me taking advantage of her? I now see girls from a different perspective. They’re someone else’s future wife, someone else’s daughter, sister, etc.

4) Sex has killed my best relationships…

For example, I now have a college sweetheart and now things are so thick between us & fear we might break up & be heart broken just because we had sex before marriage. I really love her & I pray day & night that we do not break up. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, the girl of my dreams. With her, there was never a dull moment. We totally “clicked.” We waited for awhile, then, through my initiation, we started having sex.

Sex soon became the focus of our relationship. I stopped wanting to get to know her on any other level. So, instead of growing closer together, we actually started drifting apart.

That’s what I mean by “sex killed my best relationships.” People can relate on many different levels — emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. But when my girlfriend and I started relating mostly physically, it short-circuited the other parts of our relationship. As a result, the relationship as a whole started to go south. We might still be together today if we had waited.

I’ve seen this happen with countless relationships, not just others of my own, but those of many other people. And I think there’s a reason for this, which I’ll explain next.

5) Sex before marriage ruins the other parts of the relationship…

For me, two things happened once I had sex with a girl. As I look back on it, I can say that they happened literally every time, although I was unaware of these dynamics at the time.

The two things were this:
1) I lost respect for the girl (even though I didn’t want to).
2) She began to mistrust me (even though she didn’t want to).

I don’t know why this happened, I just know that it did. Maybe it’s just built into “the system.” But one thing’s for sure: I’m not alone. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I know many people having marital problems because they engaged in premarital sex. They go into the marriage with lack of respect & lack of trust, two absolute necessities for the health of any marriage.

I know a newlywed couple who have sex less than once a month because of this — he doesn’t respect her, she knows it & she doesn’t trust him, so she doesn’t want to give herself to him. It’s very sad & more common than you might think but nobody talks about this kind of thing in public. The movie & TV portrayals of couples having sex before marriage never present it either. It’s like no one wants to acknowledge that it’s happening, even though it is.

6) Waiting to have sex with my wife will mean better sex in my marriage…

Why? Because we’ll go into the marriage with me having more respect for her & her having more trust in me. One thing I’ve learned: if a girl doesn’t trust a guy, she doesn’t want to give herself wholly to him. Deep down, she doesn’t really enjoy being with him.

This is how it works. Since “girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex,” a couple will have sex before marriage. The girl does this to hold on to the relationship. The guy does it because he wants it even more than the relationship itself. Then, after the marriage, the woman has what she wants: a commitment from the man. So she doesn’t need to use sex to get him anymore.

And, because she may be harboring resentment because he had sex with her before they were married, she is now not interested in sex. And the guy — who doesn’t treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage — still wants sex but not as a total bonding experience with his wife. It’s just sex, which she figures out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage.

I’m not making this stuff up. Now that I’m out of college & many people around me are getting married, I’m seeing it happen all the time. The antidote: waiting for marriage to have sex will give the man a greater respect for his wife & the woman a greater respect for her husband & consequently, they’ll have better & more frequent sex because they respect each other more & love each other more deeply.

7) Not having sex with other women will mean better sex in my marriage…

Sex is a mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it “casual.” The problem is this: the more I bond with other girls, the less I’ll be able to bond with my future wife. It’s like a piece of scotch tape — the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things. After awhile, it won’t stick to anything.

If I bond with other girls before I get married, I won’t be able to bond as well with my wife someday. I won’t cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I won’t love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I’ve remained faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.

It’s a funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital sex, even with multiple partners. That’s ironic. Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery. We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe premarital sex actually has nearly the same result. It injures the potential bond between a man and a woman.

I don’t have to sleep with a woman to know if we’re “sexually compatible.”

Sex is meant to compliment a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it. That’s what I’ve found out. It’s supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well.

I’ve come to understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. That’s why I know I don’t have to sleep with my future wife to find out if we’re sexually compatible. If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine.

Something else needs to said here. Another thing I think I’ve “discovered” is this: when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it will probably result in poor sex. Think about it. If you put your sexual relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship by it, it’s doomed to fail. It’s like being in prison. You’re locked in to something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating.

But, when you focus on the other parts of the relationship & the sex isn’t the focus, then you’re freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of having to make it always spectacular (because it won’t be.) And yet, I don’t think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex, that is, unless it wasn’t present at all. That’s why I think it’s best to wait altogether.

Never Let A Man Destroy Your Life…

It might be hard to get over the man you love but you won’t know until you try. Women tend to continue relationships that destroy who they are physically, socially & mentally. They give up their individuality, happiness, families, friends, pride, wealth & success in order to satisfy the man in their lives. Face it girls, you’re strong & can achieve so much without anyone’s help. So why let someone destroy what you’ve worked hard for? Appreciate, love & believe in yourselves. Elizabeth Nkau said: “I cooked & cleaned for him, stopped talking to all my male friends, came home early to him, bore a baby for him & what did I get? A promise to get married, which never happened; two other babies from another woman; a string of girlfriends calling his house & a death sentence of HIV/Aids. Was it all worth it? No! I knew all along he was cheating, but I stayed because I loved him. I never realized he didn’t love me back. A man who cheats doesn’t love you, he just likes you. “I’m waiting for my last breath as I lie in my bed, helpless, knowing I’ll leave my child without a mother. “Ladies, please don’t end up like me.”

Send this to all your girlfriends & male friends who can handle the truth…

Being Educated…

Go to College, Get a Job, Borrow From the Driver…

Some things take a long time to change. Take the (dis) advantages of higher education, for example. In the 1970s, to be highly educated in Uganda was a risky business. The military government of the day was deeply suspicious of educated people, who were deemed dangerous. Many of those who did not flee the country were killed.

Today, higher education is required for most jobs. That is why, so many people are going to university to earn a degree that will open the doors of employment. But again, this kind of education has its disadvantages. It tends to condemn a person to total dependence on salaried employment, making them vulnerable to sudden destitution should they lose their jobs.

Strangely enough, at the end of the day, when you trace the adult lives of people at most workplaces, it is the drivers, messengers and cleaners who do better as far as individual financial security is concerned.

After working for five years, a tea girl will have invested more than the secretary along with whom she was recruited. The driver will be more financially solid than the mid-rank graduate officer.

The tea girl, you see, doesn’t just earn a salary. She also supplies mandazis to the secretaries at break time. She arrives at work much earlier than them, to make sure her merchandise is distributed to various agents such as junior tea girls in nearby offices and a few street side vendors.

When the secretaries arrive, she greets them politely and asks what they would like for their break. Since she extends credit, many of her bosses are in her debt. They pay up as soon as they get their salaries, because it would be beneath their dignity to default on a tea girl’s money.

Meanwhile, her younger sister, whom she brought over from the village two years ago, is manning their stall in the market, where they sell second-hand clothes. From among these, the elder sister regularly selects the “first class” pieces and sells them at higher prices to the secretaries, who do not want to be seen in the downtown market stalls bargaining for used garments.

Because of spending so much time with educated people, the tea girl has decided that the child, whose birth forced her out of school six years ago, will have the best education she can provide. She puts the child in a good school and pushes her to work for good grades. She will even make sacrifices to pay for private coaching.

As for our driver, he is doing equally well. Extremely humble and obliging before the executives, he is regarded as indispensable. After working there for 10 years, he knows the secrets of the top men in the organization. They therefore tend to let him get away with small sins like those that fuel bills that seem on the high side for the mileage covered.

Unbeknown to his bosses, he is running two or three taxicabs as well as a small shop near his home. He has a line of one-room rental houses and any tenant who is late with the monthly payment isevicted ruthlessly.

His drivers and wives, who double as shop assistants, bow lower before him than he does before his bosses at work. His children, who are subjected to very strict discipline, will be sent to the best schools if they are academically promising. Otherwise, they are absorbed into the family business at an early age. He rules over his small empire with an iron hand.

The tea girl and the driver get salaries that are much lower than those of the secretary and the middle officer. However, because they live close to the ground, as it were, they spend much less and so are able to save and invest.

The young graduate, on the other hand, cannot imagine running a soda-and-cake network in the office. So, he has no income apart from his official salary. Yet he goes to expensive clubs and wears trendy clothes. So, come the end of the month, he has no money left! Whereas the driver no longer touches his salary, relying instead on his diverse incomes to run his home.

The graduate cannot invest in the places he frequents and the circles he moves in; he cannot build a five-star hotel. But the driver can open kiosks and bars in his slum.

One day, both these people will have to leave their employment. No prizes for guessing who is better prepared for life after retirement. The privatization and downsizing of the public service gave us many sad cases of senior officers who tried to start businesses with their retirement packages. At their age, it was too late to learn new tricks, and most got cleaned out within a week, ending up as frustrated alcoholics.

The stronger ones converted their family cars into cabs, and can be seen touting for teenage passengers outside discotheques. They live in unfinished houses and are always quarreling with their growing children, who cannot cope with the fall in their standard of living.

As the driver’s and tea girl’s offspring join the business sector with ease, the former officer’s sons and daughters sit around idly talking about Western film stars and singers. Such are the dangers of an elitist education...

Scary!!!

The author, Mr. Buwembo is Editor of the Sunday Vision of Kampala.

When God created Fathers…

WHEN GOD CREATED FATHERS.

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame.

And a female angel nearby said, “What kind of father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.”

And God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a father’s hands, they were large and sinewy.

And the angel shook her head sadly and said, “Do you know what you’re doing? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats.”

God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day…yet small enough to cup a child’s face.”

Then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders.

The angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week, all right,” she clucked. “Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?”

God smiled and said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the anger could contain herself no longer.

“That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?”

And God smiled and said, “They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to “ride a horse to Banbury Cross” or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, “Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?”

And the angel shutteth up!

by Erma Bombeck (1927 – 1996).

How to treat men…

For the ladies, before thinking of how to treat men well, first & foremost, you must treat yourselves well.

1. You must be born again, a God fearing Christian woman: “There is nothing good that you can do when you are not in the Lord – and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.” Isiah 64:6.
2. When relating to a man, you must be pure & honourable & have pure thoughts – “Whatever is true,whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4:8.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN WITH HONOUR…

There are three basic areas a man wants a woman to take care of when they’re dating:

1. Recreational companionship.
2. Physical attractiveness.
3. Admiration.

1) Recreational companionship.

The man has activities he enjoys e.g. sports, hobbies etc.

Though the woman may not like the same things, she should have an interest in what the man likes.

If she doesn’t show interest in him, he feels rejected & something inside of him begins to get discouraged & to die.

There are also some impulses/survival instincts that a man has that make him have particular interests that the woman should try to accommodate.

For example, the guy is glued to the newspaper or TV watching what? You got it! Politics, News & Finance…

This is because his instincts are honed to protect & secure the future of the family & these things can affect it.

Learn to compromise on recreational activities. While it might not be possible (or sane) to do everything together, you can agree on which activities to do together.

2) Physical attractiveness.

Men expect you to:

- Look good, both in public & private.

- Be physically fit.

- Watch your diet.

- Keep your hair clean.

- Keep your makeup, clothes, shoes beautiful, nice & pretty.

- Smell good.

Different men have different tastes so find out what he likes & try to live up to that.

Men are visual creatures & therefore physical attractiveness is VERY important to them & they get repulsed by bad looks.

3) Admiration.

You should understand & appreciate him more than anyone else does… (In a nutshell, be his biggest fan)

You should really truly admire him… (He can tell the difference between honest admiration & empty flattery)

You should be genuinely attracted to him & not be repulsed by him in anyway.

You should tell him good things about him & dwell on his strong points & positive achievements… (This helps him to maintain his self- esteem & confidence)

Express your admiration for him. Pay him compliments. Buy him gifts. Do nice things for him…

Respecting his decisions…

Don’t nag him or bother him with repeating the same thing over & over… (He heard you the first time)

If you have to ask him something the second time, do so with love & humbleness.

Handling conflicts…

Don’t tear him down, tell him whatever needs to be said in love.

Give him time to change. It’s God who’ll work on him, not your nagging.

Avoid repulsive & coarse language when talking to him. (Or anyone else for that matter)

Be polite, humble & kind to him.

Don’t embarrass him infront of people.

There are things that you can discuss in public & there are things that you can only discuss in private.

How far is too far…

Turn down his sexual advances before marriage.

He will respect you if he doesn’t marry you.

Say no for God’s glory & for your own respect.

Dealing with other men…

Avoid trying to make him feel jealous. Don’t try to show him how popular you are with the other men.

Make him know he’s special to you.

Let him know that he’s more special to you than all other men.

Blasts from the past…

Tell him about your past. Let it come from you rather than from a third party.

This builds trust & openness. Tell him things before marriage which you know have the potential of affecting your marriage.

Trust that he loves you enough to accept you & your past, however, first build a relationship of trust & openness before you drop weighty issues on him.

Revealing your past:

- Sets you free.

- Gives him power to choose to be with you or leave you.

- Gives you the opportunity to know if he truly loves you.

Smoking Room Ceiling…