Entries categorized as ‘Humour’
How to Please Your I.T. Department…
September 19, 2009 · 2 Comments
1) When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a tonne of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies & children’s art. We don’t have a life & we find it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.
2) Don’t write down anything down! Ever! We can play back the error message from here…
3) When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way, you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords…
4) When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into you mail because your computer won’t power on…
5) When I.T. Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing…
6) When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in & spill your guts out. We exist only to serve…
7) Send an urgent e-mail all in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up & flags it as a rush delivery…
When the photocopier doesn’t work, call Computer Support. There’s electronics in it…
9) When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number & no description of the problem. We love a puzzle…
10) When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue! We love a good argument…
11) When an I.T. person tells you that they’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us…
12) When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes…
13) When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all printers in the company. One of them is bound to work…
14) Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “My thingy blew up”…
15) Don’t use online help… Online help is for wimps!
Categories: Humour
Engineering Mathematics…
May 6, 2009 · 2 Comments
AUTHOR’S NOTE:
“Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.”
~ Ashley-Perry Statistical Axiom #1.
Categories: Humour
Murphy’s Technology Laws…
March 27, 2009 · 1 Comment
1) Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
2) Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
3) Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
4) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
5) The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
6) An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
7) Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
9) New systems generate new problems.
10) To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
11) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
12) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
13) A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
14) The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
15) The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
16) To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
17) Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
18) A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
19) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
20) If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
21) When all else fails, read the instructions.
22) If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
23) Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
24) Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.
Categories: Humour
This is 2009 for you…
January 13, 2009 · Leave a Comment
Let me know if any one statement is untrue!!!
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success…. is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove you are solvent enough – which means that you don’t need it.
And my favourite…
31. All the desirable things in life are illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else!!
Categories: Humour
How To Tell If You Need To Pray At Work…
January 7, 2009 · Leave a Comment
And Lastly…
Categories: Humour
